сумленне ⁽³⁾

I've written before about the question that looms over me. What is conscience? And can the voice of God come through it? Or can it be the voice of Purpose?

Today is a day of torment, for the voices of conscience cannot agree.

1. One voice says - act rationally, set boundaries.
2. The second voice says - but you're a good boy, be kind and gentle.
3. Amidst all this, a third voice emerges, saying: This can all be reconciled. You can find that golden path that will satisfy both versions of yourself.
4. In such conflicts, a fourth voice screams - finish with this and don't waste time, stop these thoughts from racing in your head. Quench one version of yourself, and fully justify the other (and you know, this voice usually wins).
5. A fifth voice barely restrains itself from dumping all this torment and situation on someone close, seeking support. Support that would mean only one thing - you're doing great. As if it's an objective external observation.

Let's dissect their imperfections a bit:

1. Rational Self - seems the most adequate, but conflicts arise through it. And that's very unpleasant.
2. Gentle Self - such a darling that should satisfy everyone around and harm no one. And everyone will love him. But this isn't living truthfully.
3. Perfect Self - a pure perfectionist of theoretical models, setting incredible tasks for himself. He's like a butterfly, flitting here and there, thinking one can serve both this and that.
4. Impatient Self - tired of the suspended state and the torments associated with it. Wants to finish everything as quickly as possible, having chosen a single truth.
5. Seeking Validation Self - he's like the Impatient one, but looks for someone to affirm that he's doing great. This Self is ready to mix facts to get external validation and silence his other voices.

A wonderful and profound film about experiencing guilt imposed from childhood. It's about how love, friendship, and empathy pull a person out of a vicious cycle of self-hatred. It reveals the possibility to live. It seems the Japanese made it, but it's so relatable to situations experienced by people in our homeland. I believe this movie can be therapeutic for those who are going through something similar.

I recommend a beautiful viewing.

My journey to find my profound Desire took an interesting route. I had to question all the lesser Desires of my life. And after these questions, it turned out that much of that wasn't really my desire. That's when I started thinking about "Sovest'". There are situations when it gnaws at you because in a choice situation you ponder how and what to do. Sometimes the choice is clear, other times not at all. And the dictates of "conscience" might not come from within us but from societal norms and upbringing. And these aren't things one should trust without critical reflection. Hence, acting according to one's conscience doesn't guarantee doing good. If in your community it was accepted to kill dissenters, and those who lacked the courage to do so were criticized and felt guilty. They asked for forgiveness for their soft-heartedness. Their conscience constantly hinted, "don't be lazy, go kill." On the other hand, another voice would advocate for life. Or perhaps steal from the rich and give to the poor. Sacrifice your entire life for close ones. Earn money for the family or give everything to strangers. And that "conscience" will torment itself and us along with it. There has to be something above it, more foundational and wiser.

However, the good thing that "conscience" does is to give an opportunity to learn more about oneself. What voices, what versions of me are in this dialogue? What do they want, and how have they formed within me?

Thank you to a.Vyacheslav Rubski for his reflections on this topic.