Kierkegaard took the title from the words of Apostle Paul:

"Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose." (Philippians 2:12‐13).

From the very first pages, one is captivated by scenarios of how the journey of Abraham and Isaac to Mount Moriah might have unfolded, where Abraham was supposed to kill his son.

However, what follows are rather intricate and distressing topics for my understanding.

The Leap of Faith (absurdity of faith) - a paradox that eternally connects God and Man, deeply internally and subjectively.

Behind this relationship lies intense tension and trust (as seen in Abraham), and these relations stand above any Ethics or Morality. Only a person becomes the measure for themselves, and no outsider can advise them. For Abraham is either the prophet of faith (in this paradox) or a crazed murderer.

The responsibility of such relationships lies solely on the individual; they cannot pass it for group verification. And one cannot unite on this path with another human.

On a level that I could grasp: The risk that a person might err in their faith does not justify the community's standard solution in verifying these individual relationships with God.

It's better to have that freedom, that threat, and that monumental responsibility which will remain with the individual in these relationships.

The mystery of God - appears much more truthful than the literal dissection of God.

My journey to find my profound Desire took an interesting route. I had to question all the lesser Desires of my life. And after these questions, it turned out that much of that wasn't really my desire. That's when I started thinking about "Sovest'". There are situations when it gnaws at you because in a choice situation you ponder how and what to do. Sometimes the choice is clear, other times not at all. And the dictates of "conscience" might not come from within us but from societal norms and upbringing. And these aren't things one should trust without critical reflection. Hence, acting according to one's conscience doesn't guarantee doing good. If in your community it was accepted to kill dissenters, and those who lacked the courage to do so were criticized and felt guilty. They asked for forgiveness for their soft-heartedness. Their conscience constantly hinted, "don't be lazy, go kill." On the other hand, another voice would advocate for life. Or perhaps steal from the rich and give to the poor. Sacrifice your entire life for close ones. Earn money for the family or give everything to strangers. And that "conscience" will torment itself and us along with it. There has to be something above it, more foundational and wiser.

However, the good thing that "conscience" does is to give an opportunity to learn more about oneself. What voices, what versions of me are in this dialogue? What do they want, and how have they formed within me?

Thank you to a.Vyacheslav Rubski for his reflections on this topic.

How deeply does an unhappy person irritate you? Why is it so painful and unbearable? Why do you want to fix everything as quickly as possible? Make them happy, acknowledge the beauty of the world, thank their fate, and be grateful to God.

Perhaps we fear that in this person the truth is reflected. Loneliness, the inevitability of death, and the overarching meaninglessness are mirrored. We ourselves avoid these states at all costs, suppressing them with fast foods of all kinds: goals, plans, food, movies, emotions, fights, and news. We fear confronting this abyss of profound questions for which we have no answers. The questions themselves weigh heavily and disassemble us. Because through the lens of these questions, our entire life is reevaluated; we see the underbelly of our very selves. We stand exposed and defenseless in the face of this life. And all the illusions we've constructed to feel in control just dissipate like mist.

I myself experienced a shift. Earlier, I would get disturbed when someone in my presence was sad or unhappy. It tore me apart.

Now, I see it as an opportunity. It's a moment when a person is on the verge of confronting a truth, someone seeking truth and rejecting the fast-food solutions offered from all sides. Let's not numb ourselves. Let's not run from these states.

It's terrifying, but through it, one can better understand oneself. One can find their true desire, from which we've drifted so far.

Love yourself when it's tough for you. Love others when it's tough for them.

Aporia - (if I'm not mistaken) this word was used in the times of Socrates to indicate that the conversation and arguments have reached a dead end. We have encountered an impasse. And the one who thought he knew something is left with a shattered worldview. Left with questions to which he no longer has answers (but previously did).

The situation is very complicated. It makes one want to cry. It feels like the ground is slipping from beneath one's feet.

Yet, does it bring us closer to some greater truth? To be on the edge of the unknown is to be closer to the truth. If our interlocutor is cunning and wise, he will question us about ordinary things. Upon understanding our thoughts about them, he will pose further intricate questions, and everything will fall apart. To us, he will appear quite rude, and it's unlikely we will hold any affection for him...

There are events after which you find yourself stagnant. It might be a rethinking or disappointment. There is no fire in the eyes, no vitality in the voice, only a wandering gaze and incomprehensible muttering. But this is also a day, and its value is no less than all other days. Our desire for resourceful states, where we can act effectively, may indicate our lack of authentic value. And value is related to effectiveness - success. Who imposed this on us? Why has it so squarely stuck and is not letting millions of people live (I am obviously inventing here, I do not have exact numbers).

So, what is the value for you in the days when you can’t (or don’t want to) do anything?

For the second day, I start to write about this, and nothing comes out except these words. How do surgeons work? Presumably, they are trusted, because they hone their skills, but unfortunately, people die in their hands as well. Every touch is pain, waiting is pain, ascent is pain, a glance is pain... Everything is covered with pain. Only prayer does not hurt. And the pain quietly subsides. Do not consider me a pessimist, I just don’t encounter pain so often in my shell.

Year 2123 Scientists have studied the nature of desires. Now they can be calmly regulated through injections. For the newly born child, there is a program of monthly injections from the global political party. This basic set includes all the necessary desires that form a true citizen with an active position, a great desire for conscience, acceptance, and professional realization.

Parents have the opportunity to buy for their children a set of more unique desires, which would direct them towards creativity, sports, scientific activity, charity, and further down the list.

The society of the future has made everyone happy; everyone internally feels a desire for deeds, actions, and thinking. There are opportunities to realize their desires. No more frustration... Every person uniquely realizes their desire... Orientation towards one thing or another comes from childhood, giving high efficiency indicators in all branches of humanity.

After reading my text, I see that explanations are needed.

1. Correct Title: How do you like this anti-utopia movie scenario?
2. The main postulate of my text, In this absurd and terrible idea, is to show how good intentions of imposing and upbringing "correct" (useful) Desires take away a person's freedom, the freedom in the ascent of his life and his desire.
3. Why I think this has been happening throughout the existence of humanity:
   3.1. Taking the times of Socrates - there is a sacred public and feeling, the meanings of each personal person are not accepted as possible. The entire structure of the state is under threat before this personal freedom. Hence Socrates is sentenced to death.
   3.2. Times after Jesus Christ - assemblies, religious laws are set as objective, without the possibility of personal ascent and critical attitude. At that time the desire to control is absence of freedom and above traditional society.
   3.3. In our times, the imposition of desires goes through marketing tools ("scientific" research, culture) the main goal of which is to form in a person the right desires that will make him a "useful" citizen-patriot + mover of the economy (through the desire to acquire a range of services and material things). Parents in childhood can also push the development of a small person in the directions necessary for them.
   
   I am not saying that all this is bad, but in the search for myself, it was difficult for me to separate my personal desires (meanings) from those that descended to me from outside.

What would you do if you were left on Earth alone and there were no other people besides you?

For me, this is terrifying. However, I would like to continue living, calling to God. To meet people after death.

A person in solitude is a person waiting to meet another person. And if this meeting with a person does not happen, then it will be the most desired in a person's life, and it does not matter whether there are millions of people around, or no one.

Meeting a person, life is filled with meaning, and the desire is directed towards deepening this meeting.

From time to time, I experience sunsets. You live, you live, and then suddenly, you are in darkness. Beloved freedom-loving children abruptly become disobedient enemies. The creative atmosphere at home turns into a mess. And I myself become a shattered monster.

This last part scares me the most, and the more I'm scared, the more shattered I become. My lower lip almost falls off at such moments because my teeth strongly clench it. Normally, nothing good happens at such times. But in all this turmoil, sun rays break through and scorch me (like in vampire movies). Then it hurts even more at the moment. A battle ensues.

Usually, such states last from 5 to 10 minutes, although time stands still and seems like eternity. And then the sun comes out again and warms me with its rays. Apologies begin, mutual forgiveness. It ends with love, value, and acceptance. Including myself.

And life goes on, and we know that we love each other, even though none of us is perfect.

P.S. In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry. (Ephesians)

I remember well when I came to the Church. Everything resonated inside and out. I felt very good and confident. I accepted all the traditions as they should be. As the ultimate truth, where wisdom passed from generation to generation, the guides of wisdom never contradicted each other (as I imagined it then). And they have already outlined and said: "what to do, what to beware of, what to pay attention to." And most importantly for me!!!! What and how to think, what and how to feel.

This was a crucial point. I gladly accepted such instruction. I had never looked deep within myself and did not trust myself. I lived by the desires of other people. So switching from one to another was very easy. And I just began to feel and think as the holy ones of the Orthodox Church wrote. I fit into the community and tradition, feeling completely comfortable there.

And here I thought, well why is it so hard for other people to take and start thinking correctly, feeling correctly?

Well, what can I say now... Only a person who does not have and does not know themselves can change so easily under any request. Mostly to meet not their own, but some other group and criteria.

And here, when you already accept yourself, when you explore yourself and your depth. Then any external benchmarks and criteria begin to correspond much more with your own essence. And are accepted, only if they really do not contradict the deep and true you.

Recalled today, how earlier Dasha would come to me with her various thoughts and feelings, hoping that I could understand her. In those moments, I literally glowed with honor because I had long understood everything. Taking the opportunity, I laid out all my understanding to her, with examples and advice... But, alas, this was not it. My "understanding" was a barrier to true understanding. And true understanding is born, grows, and blossoms through sincere non-understanding.

Because it is impossible to fit a living person into the frame of one’s views and templates, much as one would like to.

This is what I mean. Especially now, talking about serious and deep things, I really want to deeply understand you and deep understanding (or at least sincere non-understanding) from your side.

These thoughts and a wonderful verse I borrowed today, from the priest and psychotherapist Vladimir Shkoda (https://vk.com/vladimirshkoda).

There can be a goal in life: to live correctly, to choose correctly, to understand what is right and what is not. Everything is simple, the system is closed. To this system, you can still add an objective view of the world and some unification of rules.

I remember in my childhood, I wanted to keep a journal with rules, where I would describe the correct rules and correct choices for my descendants. So that they would not have to worry about it, and they could just follow the rules prescribed by me and add their own. Over generations, my descendants could become a completely correct family, who would never be mistaken and accumulate all the understanding of the world. How beautiful this idea looked, perhaps even more beautiful than the dreams of Adolf Hitler. Everyone around is happy and correct. Nobody will do something wrong (ineffective) anymore.

But even at that moment, there was an internal opposition within me to life by the rules. A life where there is right-wrong (black-and-white life), is a life in which it is impossible to understand the neighbor, impossible to understand oneself.

1. It is important whether you are doing right or not.
2. If you are not acting according to the rules, then act.

But who will be interested in such a state:

• Why does a person want to do or do differently?
• Or does "my right" have such fatal truth, or is everything much more complicated?

If you ask yourself such questions, you can just burn out. But without this understanding, can you feel something deep, something true?

And in the system of right / wrong, our value is categorized as a well-performed right. It is not we who are valuable, but some mechanical function of ours.

"The wind blows where it wishes, and you hear its sound, but you do not know where it comes from or where it goes. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit."
Gospel according to John 3:8

Having opened a window of your mind for the Gospel, do not forget to also open the window of the heart. Then it will be thoroughly good, and the Spirit will live in you.

I figured out a lot here, all because yesterday we were experimenting with ventilation in the car. Even before the trip, I was concerned about whether air from one anti-mosquito window would be enough. It turned out at night that it's not at all enough. It’s unbearable. There’s a window - there's no air. Living (sleeping) is unbearable.

We decided, quickly, to make another anti-mosquito window.

And then Happiness, Joy, and Fulfillment came into our life.

Every other minute, a sea-pine breeze could fly into the window, and it was so inspiring. I could not sleep for a long time, I could not get enough of it, waiting for such visits of the Breeze in my life.

In the photo: the sky at 2 o'clock in the night in my window.