жаданне ⁽⁷⁾

"The illusive hope deceived them." - words that spilled from Ksyusha's audiobook. I didn't even catch the context, but those words struck right to the heart. It's not just them. All of us are deceived by that illusive hope. The "hope" with a lowercase "h", which seems to only deceive. Because it rarely reaches deep. This "hope" paints so many pictures, all so grounded, so weak. "Money over there", "Health", "Happiness", "Getting married", "Having children", "Passing exams", "Finding a good job"... we get these, and in return, silence. Small hopes deceitfully allure us.

And the great Hope, directed at the very essence, is even hard to articulate. It remains unspoken and unrecognized. Because this Hope can't be confined to mere words.

He walked, gazing at the twigs. His thoughts wavered, at times converging on a single idea. He wanted to find the direct and tested paths that connected man to eternity, to God, to Jesus Christ. Now he answered himself: “There aren't such simple universal paths, perhaps I should come to terms with this?” Yet, driven by the wind, his thoughts sometimes focused on what was very close, right in front of his nose, and sometimes they shifted beyond distant horizons, to places unseen, where one could let their imagination roam freely.

All of this was a part of him, but it didn't hold great importance. He saw a life without people as meaningless. And only the moments of deep encounters with "a person" never lost their value. To be in the presence of a spouse, children, to observe their lives, to participate in their existence, to have the chance to glimpse into their vast universe, was a great gift.

He simply walked… He knew where the treasures were hidden...

My journey to find my profound Desire took an interesting route. I had to question all the lesser Desires of my life. And after these questions, it turned out that much of that wasn't really my desire. That's when I started thinking about "Sovest'". There are situations when it gnaws at you because in a choice situation you ponder how and what to do. Sometimes the choice is clear, other times not at all. And the dictates of "conscience" might not come from within us but from societal norms and upbringing. And these aren't things one should trust without critical reflection. Hence, acting according to one's conscience doesn't guarantee doing good. If in your community it was accepted to kill dissenters, and those who lacked the courage to do so were criticized and felt guilty. They asked for forgiveness for their soft-heartedness. Their conscience constantly hinted, "don't be lazy, go kill." On the other hand, another voice would advocate for life. Or perhaps steal from the rich and give to the poor. Sacrifice your entire life for close ones. Earn money for the family or give everything to strangers. And that "conscience" will torment itself and us along with it. There has to be something above it, more foundational and wiser.

However, the good thing that "conscience" does is to give an opportunity to learn more about oneself. What voices, what versions of me are in this dialogue? What do they want, and how have they formed within me?

Thank you to a.Vyacheslav Rubski for his reflections on this topic.

Year 2123 Scientists have studied the nature of desires. Now they can be calmly regulated through injections. For the newly born child, there is a program of monthly injections from the global political party. This basic set includes all the necessary desires that form a true citizen with an active position, a great desire for conscience, acceptance, and professional realization.

Parents have the opportunity to buy for their children a set of more unique desires, which would direct them towards creativity, sports, scientific activity, charity, and further down the list.

The society of the future has made everyone happy; everyone internally feels a desire for deeds, actions, and thinking. There are opportunities to realize their desires. No more frustration... Every person uniquely realizes their desire... Orientation towards one thing or another comes from childhood, giving high efficiency indicators in all branches of humanity.

After reading my text, I see that explanations are needed.

1. Correct Title: How do you like this anti-utopia movie scenario?
2. The main postulate of my text, In this absurd and terrible idea, is to show how good intentions of imposing and upbringing "correct" (useful) Desires take away a person's freedom, the freedom in the ascent of his life and his desire.
3. Why I think this has been happening throughout the existence of humanity:
   3.1. Taking the times of Socrates - there is a sacred public and feeling, the meanings of each personal person are not accepted as possible. The entire structure of the state is under threat before this personal freedom. Hence Socrates is sentenced to death.
   3.2. Times after Jesus Christ - assemblies, religious laws are set as objective, without the possibility of personal ascent and critical attitude. At that time the desire to control is absence of freedom and above traditional society.
   3.3. In our times, the imposition of desires goes through marketing tools ("scientific" research, culture) the main goal of which is to form in a person the right desires that will make him a "useful" citizen-patriot + mover of the economy (through the desire to acquire a range of services and material things). Parents in childhood can also push the development of a small person in the directions necessary for them.
   
   I am not saying that all this is bad, but in the search for myself, it was difficult for me to separate my personal desires (meanings) from those that descended to me from outside.

The wind blew us from the lake, the waves looked like the sea, children dug trenches, scooped holes, looked for little shells. I almost cried from this moment. Life blew us, we felt the air we breathe. Rules, laws, limitations at this moment gave way to life, gave way to understanding the value of each moment. All this is temporary. Everything can end at any moment. And even if you were to live a full 100 years, it would be too little. Too little for such moments, too little for life. The rustle of a little leaf in the wind moves the clock's hand. This hand brings us closer to the end. How I want to meet again. Again in eternity: And let there be arguments, pain, complaints, and shouting. I will learn to love even that.

The wind blows us away.

We know what to do with meaning, but we don’t know how to reveal it.

And reveal it in such a way that it does not fit into a tiny box. In my opinion, it would be good not to limit our meaning, our deep Desire. But to reveal and understand where this desire shines through, shines so that we can understand and describe it for ourselves.

There was a good example with a window through which light falls. And what we can really see are the sun’s bunnies. Here they are, what we can describe: One will be round and small on the floor, the other will be elongated on the curtains. But behind all these manifestations will stand something more significant. And this Larger will also shine through other windows if we open them.

Those sun bunnies found by us will testify to us about the deepest, our true one. Will help us understand in which dimension this true lies, what is its nature.

And this light within us, in every person is his own.

"So let your light shine before people, so that they see your good deeds and glorify your Father, who is in heaven." Gospel of Matthew 5:16

Our light is our deep Desire, which gives birth to our true good deeds, which shine in this world.

... reading now ...

The Little Prince: "Only children know what they are looking for. They sacrifice all their time for a rag doll, and it becomes so precious to them, and when it's taken away, they cry..."

Dad: Ksyusha, do you know what you're looking for?
Ksusha: What am I looking for? My main desire is to find and verify whether the living water exists. That's my primary goal.
Dad: And why do you need the living water?
Ksusha: To give it to people for free. Because it belongs to all people and animals on the planet.
Dad: And why do people need this water?
Ksusha: Because the living water heals various wounds and diseases that nothing else can help with. And those who live in the mountains or are hopeless begin to feel joyous and hopeful.
Dad: Do you personally need such water?
Ksyusha: Only for one reason, if I get old or fall sick.
Dad: Do you want to use it to avoid dying?
Ksyusha: To avoid dying and so that other people don't die from diseases. But it's okay to die of old age. If you're already 100 years old, then it's okay to pass away. You should live when you have time to live, and not last forever or for a very long time.

P.S. By the way, she got the idea about the living water from the book “The Seven Stones” by Alexey Shein.