я ⁽¹⁰⁾

Every person is imperfect, it can be said this is a criterion of humanity, the norm of being human. This is what allows us to communicate, love, empathize, understand, accept, and be accepted. Through all this imperfection, the best phenomena in the world shine through. An imperfect person: makes mistakes, hurts others, misses, breaks, causes harm, doesn't tolerate, shouts, can't love, doesn't understand...

All this is very human; there's no catastrophe in it. Every misunderstanding is covered by understanding, and every mistake is countered with a good deed.

I long suffered from a simple thought: "I have the right to exist only if I'm perfect."

This thought pushed me out of reality. Because in reality, I'm not perfect. But in my own invented (safe) world, everything revolves around one point - I'm awesome, I'm a superstar. It's nauseating to live with such a self-righteous attitude. The entire world, people around, things I do, they serve only one function for me: situations where I must be the HERO and people who must affirm it. The cycle is complete.

"Yahoo!!! I came up with a brilliant idea, now we friends will all pull together, work for free, and my family will survive on basics for a while. But then we'll make millions! - I'm awesome, I'm a superstar! After 3 months. Friends, I see all the flaws in this idea, we need to wrap it up. I managed to see the essence of things and overcome my past self. Let's disband and move on. We worked for free, and that's enough! - I'm awesome, I'm a superstar."

"Dear and beloved, are you struggling? Feeling bad? Don't know what's happening with you? - Don't worry, I'll sort everything out. After all, I'm awesome, I'm a superstar. And you're the wife of the world's best husband! Here's what I'll tell you. We have the best family in the world, you're the most beloved wife. We're the happiest people on the planet. Why are you so down? Why are you struggling? Perhaps something inside you broke, because objectively, everything's really great. But I'll help you fix everything inside you and see how everything is actually good and wonderful."

"Beloved, are you scared? - Don't be scared, everything's fine. Because I'm awesome, I'm a superstar."

"My dear, do you think I earn too little? - What are you talking about? Look at the homeless. Look at the women who are alone, without a husband. And you, you're practically a queen. I provide for the family, and you don't have to work. I'm awesome, I'm a superstar! You probably forgot that with me, you'll be happy even in a tent in the middle of a field."

"Kids, if you've done something wrong, go stand in the corner. This is my signature parenting technique. I brilliantly came up with it. I'm awesome, I'm a superstar."

"Our company, it's a company of friends. We never intended to make money, like all the other idiots. Only I, only I can give you all this. I'm awesome, I'm a superstar."

"Oh, I really messed up here. But look, see how fearlessly I admit my mistakes. I'm awesome."

"I'm the most sinful on earth, I'm not awesome, I'm not a superstar. Sounds cool. Look how critically I look at myself. What a sharp perspective on life. I'm awesome, I'm a superstar!"

"Do you want to advise me on something? Of course, I'm ready to listen to you and tell you how I've already thought it all out and did it. I'm not some fool, I understand and see everything in the world. And I also see that I see nothing and everything else that needs to be seen and known. I'm awesome..."

Almost teared up while writing this. I hug you all, my dear Dasha, children, parents, brother, friends, and work and project colleagues. You were the victims of the fear of imperfection, for which I dragged you into all these theatrical events of my life. Thank you for being there. Thank you for believing and loving me. Thank you for still loving me now.

My fear of being imperfect suffocated me. And through my nauseating righteousness, I suffocated you from different angles. With my infallibility, justification, and not admitting that you could struggle with me.

Now my choice is to be Human, a human who is endearingly imperfect and doesn't need that perfection, but rather needs love and a genuine orientation towards other people.

Now, I'm not awesome, I'm a human. I love myself.

Storm, storm rages! It rolls from side to side within me.

I always craved calmness before. Thoughts that instilled fear or simply anxiety were unwanted companions. And I did whatever I could to calm down. Mostly, it helped to go and easily sleep at any time of the day or night.

But now it's different. I feel the anxiety and I want to utilize it. I want to see what it brings with it. What it's about. There's no pleasure in this, but there's energy, and I need to use that energy. In all this anxiety, a certain existential meaning has emerged. Value. A moment I don't want to just miss or lose. Since I started savoring such states, the usual quiet life inside me seems bland. Like a dull routine. Though everything is good in moderation.

And right now, I'm reading to Ksyusha about the adventures of Tom Sawyer. Today was the chapter about the murder of the doctor in the graveyard at night. I wonder if I was hasty to read this to a seven-year-old girl. I'll go and pray with her for the night.

And to you, goodnight friends.

I hid among the flowers
Tra ta ta ta ta
Such a good game
For a little boy

I'll walk along the path
Tra ta ta ta ta
With my net, touching
The topics of existence

I pick up a little snake
Tra ta ta ta ta
So it doesn't die from a ditch
I let it crawl to the grass

I want to think of the eternal
Tra ta ta ta ta
But for now, I'm carefree
So nonsense happens.

For some reason, I started to feel nauseated by IT. Somehow, it's become repulsive. I had previously perceived it as some sort of computer game, just with real-life quests and real money. But now, after feeling nauseous in VR, after using ChatGPT for meaningless projects, after a week of trying to set up prompt communication with Midjourney, I'm losing faith in IT. It's very engrossing and takes me away from life, from people, from myself.

Illustration "Dull computer crap." The image was generated in Midjourney. The prompt text was generated in ChatGPT.

"Hello everyone, I've finally mustered the courage to write!
Actually, no, life pressed me so much that I had to come out of my shell. Besides, it's not even me writing this text, but some guy, a friend of my husband's. All because I don't write texts, I make awesome... "

I felt a great emotion when I revealed myself in this way (as the invisible author of the advertisement) and those who would post such an ad. To write in the name of a girl, and then in the text itself admit that the writer is a man, and then continue writing in the name of the girl. The lie in the text is disclosed by sincerity (hyper-sincerity), and then continues with falsehood. All this arises in my head, a kind of turmoil with mixed feelings.

That's often how it was with me. It used to be even more frequent.

Hyper-Sincerity is just that, formally sincerity. It pursues something bigger, something else. Because hyper-sincerity isn't self-sufficient. I feel it's an emotional-manipulative moment when, saying sincerely and very sincerely, we pursue some unspoken (or better yet, explicitly stated) objectives. This creates a sort of brew that transports us to the emotional realm.

The reader or listener pays attention to this; they are not defended against such moves because they begin to feel the state possibly felt by the person who wrote that text or says those things. They understand how they would feel if they wrote or said something similar. And it moves them; they witness something quite uncomfortable, something worth noticing.

And here I wanted to write that the author of all this doesn't feel anything. But I paused and felt. Feels, indeed. This combination of feelings inspires and energizes.

In general, hyper-sincerity made me strong when I was afraid of being exposed for lying. Or when there was something that could be revealed in me, something very painful. I strive to vocalize it through hyper-sincerity and stop being afraid.

A person who neither defends nor flees from fear might not need to use hyper-sincerity. And it would be good to live without the strain of hyper-sincerity. I think I'm on the way to that.