справядлівасць ⁽²⁾

There can be a goal in life: to live correctly, to choose correctly, to understand what is right and what is not. Everything is simple, the system is closed. To this system, you can still add an objective view of the world and some unification of rules.

I remember in my childhood, I wanted to keep a journal with rules, where I would describe the correct rules and correct choices for my descendants. So that they would not have to worry about it, and they could just follow the rules prescribed by me and add their own. Over generations, my descendants could become a completely correct family, who would never be mistaken and accumulate all the understanding of the world. How beautiful this idea looked, perhaps even more beautiful than the dreams of Adolf Hitler. Everyone around is happy and correct. Nobody will do something wrong (ineffective) anymore.

But even at that moment, there was an internal opposition within me to life by the rules. A life where there is right-wrong (black-and-white life), is a life in which it is impossible to understand the neighbor, impossible to understand oneself.

1. It is important whether you are doing right or not.
2. If you are not acting according to the rules, then act.

But who will be interested in such a state:

• Why does a person want to do or do differently?
• Or does "my right" have such fatal truth, or is everything much more complicated?

If you ask yourself such questions, you can just burn out. But without this understanding, can you feel something deep, something true?

And in the system of right / wrong, our value is categorized as a well-performed right. It is not we who are valuable, but some mechanical function of ours.

Friends, do you ever feel anxious? For living well in harmony, peace, tranquility, and for things generally going your way? For having luck? For good relationships within the family? For successful projects? For a good job? For simply being alive? I do feel it, and the more things go my way, the more I feel this anxiety. I haven’t fully understood yet where it all comes from.

One of my hypotheses is that some law of fairness is being violated. Why do some of my acquaintances face family issues while things are good for me? Or someone faces tragedy, or has to work too hard, or gets unlucky in small or significant ways. And then you think, "Lord, this seems unjust." It's as if I should suffer a bit to balance things out. I sometimes feel as if I’m getting all these life's blessings on credit. And it triggers me.

On the other hand, I'm skeptical about this feeling and look for deceit. I fear that by receiving ordinary human happiness, I might be losing out on something more crucial. But that slips away from me, just at the level of intuition.

And thirdly, regarding fairness again. It feels like my happiness might be causing suffering to someone else who is less fortunate. Sometimes, I even want to hide my joy. Like when you talk about your relationships with your kids to someone who doesn't have any, or about your wife to someone who’s single or recently divorced. Or about how nice it is to stroll through the woods and to quit IT, to someone who is desperate to get into IT for a good salary.

Even writing this text, I did it with a great sense of guilt, anticipating the pain it might cause to some readers. Although, being honest with myself, I fear the judgment of these people. I know you, dear and wonderful people, won’t judge me. But those little voices in my head still haven’t entirely lost their power and fuel my self-criticism.

"Constantine, whoever you are, you have the right to be!" This beautiful thought inspires me. Sending hugs to everyone! Goodnight!