сэнс ⁽²²⁾

Friends, for those in the midst of relocation. Fatigue, vulnerability, detachment. When there's a moment, we reflect on the situation, on ourselves. After this, it often becomes even harder. It becomes even more painful. But it's not that simple. Difficulty, emptiness, exhaustion, lack of resources for action - all this is about meaning. It is unfortunately revealed through such a tough state, through such a sense of being lost. Now I'll try not to waste such states, not to suffer from them meaninglessly.

What one can do:

1. First and foremost, one can write. Writing is not just circling the same superficial thoughts in the head. Writing is to delve deeper. By delving deeper, we understand what's going on inside us. By delving deeper, we accept ourselves as we truly are. Writing is creativity - and our complex states are a resource for this creativity.

2. Secondly, one can relieve oneself of responsibility for things you truly aren't responsible for. Something that might have fallen upon you a long time ago. And it benefits neither you nor anyone else, and you might not even want to deal with it. But without reflection, without a critical look at various aspects of your life, it's impossible to clear the field of your life. By clearing your life of all sorts of things, there's time for rest, there's time for truly important matters.

Success in your relocation. Let's be together.

There have been times when in a certain community, you act oddly, inappropriately. You already feel out of place. They don't accept you as one of their own. At that moment, the mind seeks ways to prove that you belong, that you're even better than them. It's not about just saying or doing something to prove it; you'd want to devote your whole life to this cause. But is this a true desire? Not at all. It's all because of the hurt and non-acceptance of oneself. A person who forgets their deep-rooted Desire flounders in different directions, tormented by false cravings.

At least now, one can understand and let go of this.

He walked, gazing at the twigs. His thoughts wavered, at times converging on a single idea. He wanted to find the direct and tested paths that connected man to eternity, to God, to Jesus Christ. Now he answered himself: “There aren't such simple universal paths, perhaps I should come to terms with this?” Yet, driven by the wind, his thoughts sometimes focused on what was very close, right in front of his nose, and sometimes they shifted beyond distant horizons, to places unseen, where one could let their imagination roam freely.

All of this was a part of him, but it didn't hold great importance. He saw a life without people as meaningless. And only the moments of deep encounters with "a person" never lost their value. To be in the presence of a spouse, children, to observe their lives, to participate in their existence, to have the chance to glimpse into their vast universe, was a great gift.

He simply walked… He knew where the treasures were hidden...

Complete concentration, detachment from the surroundings, all attention on the main thing. And this goes on for several hours. It's experienced, re-lived, sensed. A state from which it's impossible to exit. Any interruptions into this focused zone cause a rush of annoyance and a command not to disturb. - This is how Lyuba (4 years old) plays.

I get immense pleasure when I see Lyuba play role-playing games. The outside world ceases to exist for her. All her senses are concentrated here and now, in this life game. All of it is very serious.

It seems to me I too played with such full engrossment without the ability to stop, first in childhood, then in college, and later when I established my company. We also created scenarios, assigned roles, and played with all our hearts. And I'd get really upset when someone from the real world intruded into our game, interrupting us, pulling us back into the realities of business.

What am I playing now?

As soon as I finish writing this, I'll start reading the book "Games People Play," which recently arrived for me.

Year 2123 Scientists have studied the nature of desires. Now they can be calmly regulated through injections. For the newly born child, there is a program of monthly injections from the global political party. This basic set includes all the necessary desires that form a true citizen with an active position, a great desire for conscience, acceptance, and professional realization.

Parents have the opportunity to buy for their children a set of more unique desires, which would direct them towards creativity, sports, scientific activity, charity, and further down the list.

The society of the future has made everyone happy; everyone internally feels a desire for deeds, actions, and thinking. There are opportunities to realize their desires. No more frustration... Every person uniquely realizes their desire... Orientation towards one thing or another comes from childhood, giving high efficiency indicators in all branches of humanity.

After reading my text, I see that explanations are needed.

1. Correct Title: How do you like this anti-utopia movie scenario?
2. The main postulate of my text, In this absurd and terrible idea, is to show how good intentions of imposing and upbringing "correct" (useful) Desires take away a person's freedom, the freedom in the ascent of his life and his desire.
3. Why I think this has been happening throughout the existence of humanity:
   3.1. Taking the times of Socrates - there is a sacred public and feeling, the meanings of each personal person are not accepted as possible. The entire structure of the state is under threat before this personal freedom. Hence Socrates is sentenced to death.
   3.2. Times after Jesus Christ - assemblies, religious laws are set as objective, without the possibility of personal ascent and critical attitude. At that time the desire to control is absence of freedom and above traditional society.
   3.3. In our times, the imposition of desires goes through marketing tools ("scientific" research, culture) the main goal of which is to form in a person the right desires that will make him a "useful" citizen-patriot + mover of the economy (through the desire to acquire a range of services and material things). Parents in childhood can also push the development of a small person in the directions necessary for them.
   
   I am not saying that all this is bad, but in the search for myself, it was difficult for me to separate my personal desires (meanings) from those that descended to me from outside.

What would you do if you were left on Earth alone and there were no other people besides you?

For me, this is terrifying. However, I would like to continue living, calling to God. To meet people after death.

A person in solitude is a person waiting to meet another person. And if this meeting with a person does not happen, then it will be the most desired in a person's life, and it does not matter whether there are millions of people around, or no one.

Meeting a person, life is filled with meaning, and the desire is directed towards deepening this meeting.

We know what to do with meaning, but we don’t know how to reveal it.

And reveal it in such a way that it does not fit into a tiny box. In my opinion, it would be good not to limit our meaning, our deep Desire. But to reveal and understand where this desire shines through, shines so that we can understand and describe it for ourselves.

There was a good example with a window through which light falls. And what we can really see are the sun’s bunnies. Here they are, what we can describe: One will be round and small on the floor, the other will be elongated on the curtains. But behind all these manifestations will stand something more significant. And this Larger will also shine through other windows if we open them.

Those sun bunnies found by us will testify to us about the deepest, our true one. Will help us understand in which dimension this true lies, what is its nature.

And this light within us, in every person is his own.

"So let your light shine before people, so that they see your good deeds and glorify your Father, who is in heaven." Gospel of Matthew 5:16

Our light is our deep Desire, which gives birth to our true good deeds, which shine in this world.

Today I began taking a course on Coursera "Finding Purpose and Meaning In Life: Living for What Matters Most."

And as strange as it may be, the goal of seeking meaning is set to things quite close and daily to us. To seek the sense of our life and follow it to sleep better, work better, lose weight, have better relationships, etc.

It seems like such nonsense. It’s like meeting God in your life just to get an 8 on the exam or to request a promotion at work.

But I, too, began my journey with the same goal. Wanted to find the sense of life, my deep desire, to work more efficiently. And where is that work now? It simply faded before the silhouettes of meaning, desire, and depth.

So let it be, let people be enticed to seek meaning for something close and understandable.

Here we begin, life is born, reveals its secrets, one wishes to be alone, wishes to be filled with the sense of life, its beauty. Feel oneself in all this. Start seeing life as it is, start seeing oneself.

...Then various things happen...

And here are the moments when the sun hides behind a fir tree. When children come out of the shower, and against their desire, are tucked into bed. Games quiet down. And we begin to read. We immerse ourselves in a fairy tale story, in the lives of other people and ourselves. This is the prism of the day, the prism of our life. The meanings, relationships, feelings, and dreams are revealed.

And then under the insistent "Please, read more," comes the promise to continue tomorrow.

Lullabies are turned on (until today they were Belarusian lullabies). And one can see how the children, immersed in their thoughts, are approaching sleep. And I am writing this text, or another one.

Precious time, precious life, meaning flies in the air, depth is revealed in silence.

In the past few months, Grandma Raya has been seriously ill with oncology.

Today, I received a message from my father: "Raya has passed away."

Inside, there is silence. No words on the lips. The boundlessness of the power of death and its undeniable meaning. But everything is covered in mystery. Silence everywhere. I don't want any meaningless word to escape in response to this message. There are no such words. Only hope, faith, and love. Like vulnerable flower shoots amidst the asphalt of this life.

In the photograph, my children are with Grandma Raya and my grandfather Kolya several years ago.

Clean up everything! What is so difficult for you to clean up after yourself? Who threw this here? I'll count to three; if you don't pick it up, I'll throw everything in the trash! Where should your things be?! It's getting on my nerves!

How much energy, how much fanaticism I had before when it came to cleanliness at home and having the kids clean up after themselves. I could have launched a rocket into space with that energy. And it seemed like it wouldn't take much time to train the kids to be clean. It just required discipline, detachment, and firmness. To break them down.

This thought, about breaking them down, always made me think again and again about this situation. About cleanliness and the freedom of children. About the transience of everything happening now.

Six months ago, I changed myself. Love for the children and respect for their creativity and freedom changed my character, changed my traditions, my habits, and my sense of beauty.

Now I'm making my way through this mess of crumpled pieces of paper mixed with garbage, and I'm happy. I feel the creative charm in it, the realization of freedom, the realization of love.

What a huge burden of tension and anger has been lifted off my shoulders.

And now, the short period of time that remains for us to live together can be dedicated to acceptance, respect, joy, and creativity. Then, in a blink of an eye, they will scatter to universities and later to their own homes. Everything happens so quickly in this life; I don't see the point in raising children in areas of life that are not essential to me. It's better for them to remember a kind and joyful dad who can let go of those seven rules for the sake of love. Everybody can change for love. For me, this is my transformation, something I can be proud of!

The thought that worries me is my relationship with God.
Before, when there was a lot of stress when there were a lot of challenges around me.
When I pulled on myself responsible for everything that happened, that cry to God has always been with me. Strengthened me and guided me to the value of Eternal Life as opposed to the existing reality.

But with the first steps towards my mental recovery and normalization of the situation, the relationship began to change. The number of such appeals to God began to decrease. I went further by making my relationship with God less stressful and more enjoyable due to the abolition of certain religious requirements for oneself. I began to feel even better. But the appeal to God has also decreased.

Here I live now, changing the field of activity. I discover the meaning of life. And I mostly do this with myself... In these really very important issues, with myself, with my senses of the world and logic. I rarely turn to God.

It's hard for me to understand it.

There are several hypotheses as to why this happens:
1. My relationship with God has changed, and even if it comes to very important matters in my life, I solve them on my own. And I turn to God only when it’s already completely over.
2. Those things that I do, and those that occupy me, are still not so important and decisive that I turn to God with them.

I have no answer. And finally, with this question, I can turn to God!
Help me, Lord Jesus!

Update 26.05.2023
Not without prayer and discussions on Facebook.
I am pleased to share my conclusions with you.

The answer turns out to be complex:

1. My silence before God is not of a critical nature, as I still often remember and think about Him, share joyful moments with Him, and turn to Him in empathy for loved ones. These thoughts and interactions bring me joy and peace. Yes, they currently lack the persistent knocking on the door that will surely open. But there hasn't been such concern lately either.

2. My not appealing to God about my professional path indicates that, at the moment, there is no great urgency for me in this matter. Rather, I am like an explorer, discovering a new direction, observing and exploring it. On the other hand, my aversion to the IT industry is also evident and does not require further clarification.

Today, I would like to preserve in my memory.

It's the first day I actively employed logotherapy to help a close person who had lost the meaning in life and felt very unwell.

Although I didn't do anything complicated on my end, it was crucial for me. Logotherapy is a realm where the right ideas, tied to a person's purpose, grant them a renewed life. I don't know how this idea will unfold in my close one's future. However, I'm delighted that it stirred him, and I hope this thought provided him with hope and meaning. The fruits will emerge with time.

Being a psychotherapist is a significant challenge for me! A challenge to my character (imposing my meaning on others, propagating my ideas, influencing, arguing, and so much more). It's about listening, sensitivity, caution, holding one's tongue, and taking a long time to think before speaking.

This path is a considerable challenge for me. Where the purpose must triumph over character daily because there's a reason for it.

I embrace everyone and am very grateful to you for reading!

Two years ago, when I was once again planning to launch a new project (startup), I started to ponder. What deep and vital meaning am I putting into it? Why do I need it? Why should I care about those people to whom I wanted to offer an IT solution?

• I couldn't find an answer.

I delved into the search for meaning. I sought it solely for my business realization. So that, once found, I could pursue it to the end with genuine motivation and full strength, without straying off course. Now, to me, this quest feels like searching for a magical elixir of life to sprinkle on flowers. On this magical journey of seeking meaning, of searching for my profound and true Desire, I have re-evaluated many things.

Now, as I approach a new stage in life, I'm searching for my professional realization that resonates with my life's purpose. So far, I can describe this activity as: "Helping people in their search for their own meaning, in discovering their own true Desire." Clearly, I still need a few more years of studying to become a psychotherapist (or an existential therapist, or a psychoanalyst, while the work still revolves around meanings). To not delay the practical aspect, I could obtain a coaching certification and start dealing with simpler and standard issues, like choosing a profession, a workplace, or finding your personal place in all of this.

That's a brief insight into my plans.

Yesterday, we lived the fullness of the day with the children. And today too - movement, novelty, emotions, states, traveling, discoveries. Everyone is tired but satisfied. But what's next? It's evident that the children need some routine, long-term activities, actions, and studies. I hadn't thought much about this before. But now I'm pondering, how can I provide my children with something long-term, routine, calm, with a focus on the future? It's 100 times more challenging because, in my opinion, everything long-term is even more closely related to meaning.

My thoughts get tangled; I'll leave it at that for now.

P.S. I need to transition to a digital garden so that I can rewrite specific texts/thoughts over time.