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Every person is imperfect, it can be said this is a criterion of humanity, the norm of being human. This is what allows us to communicate, love, empathize, understand, accept, and be accepted. Through all this imperfection, the best phenomena in the world shine through. An imperfect person: makes mistakes, hurts others, misses, breaks, causes harm, doesn't tolerate, shouts, can't love, doesn't understand...

All this is very human; there's no catastrophe in it. Every misunderstanding is covered by understanding, and every mistake is countered with a good deed.

I long suffered from a simple thought: "I have the right to exist only if I'm perfect."

This thought pushed me out of reality. Because in reality, I'm not perfect. But in my own invented (safe) world, everything revolves around one point - I'm awesome, I'm a superstar. It's nauseating to live with such a self-righteous attitude. The entire world, people around, things I do, they serve only one function for me: situations where I must be the HERO and people who must affirm it. The cycle is complete.

"Yahoo!!! I came up with a brilliant idea, now we friends will all pull together, work for free, and my family will survive on basics for a while. But then we'll make millions! - I'm awesome, I'm a superstar! After 3 months. Friends, I see all the flaws in this idea, we need to wrap it up. I managed to see the essence of things and overcome my past self. Let's disband and move on. We worked for free, and that's enough! - I'm awesome, I'm a superstar."

"Dear and beloved, are you struggling? Feeling bad? Don't know what's happening with you? - Don't worry, I'll sort everything out. After all, I'm awesome, I'm a superstar. And you're the wife of the world's best husband! Here's what I'll tell you. We have the best family in the world, you're the most beloved wife. We're the happiest people on the planet. Why are you so down? Why are you struggling? Perhaps something inside you broke, because objectively, everything's really great. But I'll help you fix everything inside you and see how everything is actually good and wonderful."

"Beloved, are you scared? - Don't be scared, everything's fine. Because I'm awesome, I'm a superstar."

"My dear, do you think I earn too little? - What are you talking about? Look at the homeless. Look at the women who are alone, without a husband. And you, you're practically a queen. I provide for the family, and you don't have to work. I'm awesome, I'm a superstar! You probably forgot that with me, you'll be happy even in a tent in the middle of a field."

"Kids, if you've done something wrong, go stand in the corner. This is my signature parenting technique. I brilliantly came up with it. I'm awesome, I'm a superstar."

"Our company, it's a company of friends. We never intended to make money, like all the other idiots. Only I, only I can give you all this. I'm awesome, I'm a superstar."

"Oh, I really messed up here. But look, see how fearlessly I admit my mistakes. I'm awesome."

"I'm the most sinful on earth, I'm not awesome, I'm not a superstar. Sounds cool. Look how critically I look at myself. What a sharp perspective on life. I'm awesome, I'm a superstar!"

"Do you want to advise me on something? Of course, I'm ready to listen to you and tell you how I've already thought it all out and did it. I'm not some fool, I understand and see everything in the world. And I also see that I see nothing and everything else that needs to be seen and known. I'm awesome..."

Almost teared up while writing this. I hug you all, my dear Dasha, children, parents, brother, friends, and work and project colleagues. You were the victims of the fear of imperfection, for which I dragged you into all these theatrical events of my life. Thank you for being there. Thank you for believing and loving me. Thank you for still loving me now.

My fear of being imperfect suffocated me. And through my nauseating righteousness, I suffocated you from different angles. With my infallibility, justification, and not admitting that you could struggle with me.

Now my choice is to be Human, a human who is endearingly imperfect and doesn't need that perfection, but rather needs love and a genuine orientation towards other people.

Now, I'm not awesome, I'm a human. I love myself.

From time to time, I experience sunsets. You live, you live, and then suddenly, you are in darkness. Beloved freedom-loving children abruptly become disobedient enemies. The creative atmosphere at home turns into a mess. And I myself become a shattered monster.

This last part scares me the most, and the more I'm scared, the more shattered I become. My lower lip almost falls off at such moments because my teeth strongly clench it. Normally, nothing good happens at such times. But in all this turmoil, sun rays break through and scorch me (like in vampire movies). Then it hurts even more at the moment. A battle ensues.

Usually, such states last from 5 to 10 minutes, although time stands still and seems like eternity. And then the sun comes out again and warms me with its rays. Apologies begin, mutual forgiveness. It ends with love, value, and acceptance. Including myself.

And life goes on, and we know that we love each other, even though none of us is perfect.

P.S. In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry. (Ephesians)

Recalled today, how earlier Dasha would come to me with her various thoughts and feelings, hoping that I could understand her. In those moments, I literally glowed with honor because I had long understood everything. Taking the opportunity, I laid out all my understanding to her, with examples and advice... But, alas, this was not it. My "understanding" was a barrier to true understanding. And true understanding is born, grows, and blossoms through sincere non-understanding.

Because it is impossible to fit a living person into the frame of one’s views and templates, much as one would like to.

This is what I mean. Especially now, talking about serious and deep things, I really want to deeply understand you and deep understanding (or at least sincere non-understanding) from your side.

These thoughts and a wonderful verse I borrowed today, from the priest and psychotherapist Vladimir Shkoda (https://vk.com/vladimirshkoda).

Acceptance, understanding, and love. These are the three pillars on which my personal world now stands.

Every day, I try to think about how much I accepted, understood, and loved others today. And finding these things, they please me and give me hope.

Sometimes it doesn’t work out: you don’t accept, don’t understand, don’t love. It's painful of course, but I hold on to the fact that God accepts, understands, and loves me as imperfect, as human, as alive. It’s warm from this.

Here the circle is closed. And it's good outside and inside.

What are your KPIs of effectiveness?

I'm here jotting down various thoughts from my mind. Clumsy, turbulent, contradictory. Then I read the comments and inside, I get upset that certain people didn't understand me correctly or imagined something incredible. And I start to emphasize there, saying you misunderstood me! Or I didn't mean that. Or something else. I still don’t know where my urge to justify myself comes from. The desire to be understood and accepted by everyone 100%. However, there's another observation. The more turbulent, abstract, and multifaceted the post, the easier it is for every person to see a reflection of their fears, anxieties, and convictions in it. You could say that by reading other people's texts, agreeing or engaging in discussions with them, we're actually debating and agreeing with our views, with our hidden or apparent anxieties. What hasn’t been resolved for us gets resolved, reiterated, or defended by us. And the trigger's nature doesn't matter anymore. What matters is what stirs within us. Why it's important to us whether it's true or nonsense.

I'm delighted when you comment and react to what I write. It feels like I get to know you better that way. Sending hugs to everyone!

Finally, I'm writing not at night. So, the picture can be made brighter! P.S. Today Luba helped assemble furniture. She's a good helper.