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You know, although I've tried several times to start a scientific career, I must admit: "The scientific path and scientific approach are very distant to me". I somehow get overwhelmed by the depth of research, logical connections, and conclusions. Trying to understand something based on facts, dialectics, and all such other things seems like a waste of my life (considering how much time one needs to spend on all of it).

Yet the quest for truth persists in me. Usually, I'd trust someone exceptionally wise. And everything would go smoothly. It even seems to me that my entire being would comply with this authority, so there was no crack in the emerging worldview. My trust is temporal; I periodically search to see if there's something more suitable to my unspoken vision. And so, it transitions from one thing to another, without intense conflicts.

Almost all the time, I live without dilemmas, and even if they arise, I quickly decide on one of the options. And I continue my life, not lingering on that.

Until today, everything went more or less logically and predictably. But today, a conflict emerged, a crack appeared. I'm faced with profound existential-psychological-religious questions. I am not ready to measure truth. There's a need to delve deeper, to choose, to immerse into specific niches (and to decide precisely which ones). At the same time, I understand that it's beyond me to comprehend the full spectrum of arguments.

I must continue to study the material, listen to myself, and incessantly call out to God. "Lord, guide me to Your truth!"

Kierkegaard took the title from the words of Apostle Paul:

"Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose." (Philippians 2:12‐13).

From the very first pages, one is captivated by scenarios of how the journey of Abraham and Isaac to Mount Moriah might have unfolded, where Abraham was supposed to kill his son.

However, what follows are rather intricate and distressing topics for my understanding.

The Leap of Faith (absurdity of faith) - a paradox that eternally connects God and Man, deeply internally and subjectively.

Behind this relationship lies intense tension and trust (as seen in Abraham), and these relations stand above any Ethics or Morality. Only a person becomes the measure for themselves, and no outsider can advise them. For Abraham is either the prophet of faith (in this paradox) or a crazed murderer.

The responsibility of such relationships lies solely on the individual; they cannot pass it for group verification. And one cannot unite on this path with another human.

On a level that I could grasp: The risk that a person might err in their faith does not justify the community's standard solution in verifying these individual relationships with God.

It's better to have that freedom, that threat, and that monumental responsibility which will remain with the individual in these relationships.

The mystery of God - appears much more truthful than the literal dissection of God.

"The wind blows where it wishes, and you hear its sound, but you do not know where it comes from or where it goes. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit."
Gospel according to John 3:8

Having opened a window of your mind for the Gospel, do not forget to also open the window of the heart. Then it will be thoroughly good, and the Spirit will live in you.

I figured out a lot here, all because yesterday we were experimenting with ventilation in the car. Even before the trip, I was concerned about whether air from one anti-mosquito window would be enough. It turned out at night that it's not at all enough. It’s unbearable. There’s a window - there's no air. Living (sleeping) is unbearable.

We decided, quickly, to make another anti-mosquito window.

And then Happiness, Joy, and Fulfillment came into our life.

Every other minute, a sea-pine breeze could fly into the window, and it was so inspiring. I could not sleep for a long time, I could not get enough of it, waiting for such visits of the Breeze in my life.

In the photo: the sky at 2 o'clock in the night in my window.

We know what to do with meaning, but we don’t know how to reveal it.

And reveal it in such a way that it does not fit into a tiny box. In my opinion, it would be good not to limit our meaning, our deep Desire. But to reveal and understand where this desire shines through, shines so that we can understand and describe it for ourselves.

There was a good example with a window through which light falls. And what we can really see are the sun’s bunnies. Here they are, what we can describe: One will be round and small on the floor, the other will be elongated on the curtains. But behind all these manifestations will stand something more significant. And this Larger will also shine through other windows if we open them.

Those sun bunnies found by us will testify to us about the deepest, our true one. Will help us understand in which dimension this true lies, what is its nature.

And this light within us, in every person is his own.

"So let your light shine before people, so that they see your good deeds and glorify your Father, who is in heaven." Gospel of Matthew 5:16

Our light is our deep Desire, which gives birth to our true good deeds, which shine in this world.

The thought that worries me is my relationship with God.
Before, when there was a lot of stress when there were a lot of challenges around me.
When I pulled on myself responsible for everything that happened, that cry to God has always been with me. Strengthened me and guided me to the value of Eternal Life as opposed to the existing reality.

But with the first steps towards my mental recovery and normalization of the situation, the relationship began to change. The number of such appeals to God began to decrease. I went further by making my relationship with God less stressful and more enjoyable due to the abolition of certain religious requirements for oneself. I began to feel even better. But the appeal to God has also decreased.

Here I live now, changing the field of activity. I discover the meaning of life. And I mostly do this with myself... In these really very important issues, with myself, with my senses of the world and logic. I rarely turn to God.

It's hard for me to understand it.

There are several hypotheses as to why this happens:
1. My relationship with God has changed, and even if it comes to very important matters in my life, I solve them on my own. And I turn to God only when it’s already completely over.
2. Those things that I do, and those that occupy me, are still not so important and decisive that I turn to God with them.

I have no answer. And finally, with this question, I can turn to God!
Help me, Lord Jesus!

Update 26.05.2023
Not without prayer and discussions on Facebook.
I am pleased to share my conclusions with you.

The answer turns out to be complex:

1. My silence before God is not of a critical nature, as I still often remember and think about Him, share joyful moments with Him, and turn to Him in empathy for loved ones. These thoughts and interactions bring me joy and peace. Yes, they currently lack the persistent knocking on the door that will surely open. But there hasn't been such concern lately either.

2. My not appealing to God about my professional path indicates that, at the moment, there is no great urgency for me in this matter. Rather, I am like an explorer, discovering a new direction, observing and exploring it. On the other hand, my aversion to the IT industry is also evident and does not require further clarification.